Break: The Accident

Sometimes, there are days you wish you could rewind or replay. Time is a killer. Memories lie, but this is my story, a present escape.

"Where are my keys? I know they're here somewhere; they must be!"

Foreshadowing, as a rule, is a coincidence that may or may not happen in real life. If you're superstitious, you may say that this was not a good sign. After dumping out the contents of my pink and orange plaid bag, I discovered the keys near the bottom. We all departed, saying our goodbyes and giving our half-hugs around our bundles of pillows and bags.

"Be careful, my driveway got more slippery!"

We maneuver to our respective vehicles.

"T, you can put your stuff in the back or the trunk, either is fine."

"I'll take the trunk."

"Ok."

As I settle into the car, still in my sweatpants and long-sleeve pajama shirt, I was pleasantly surprised at the cozy warmth that lingered in the car. Strange.

"Well, that was fun."

We continued with a light conversation as we began our way west on 494. I puzzled over how good and bad can both be present at the same time. T remarked about best friends. The radio station played Adele or lied and said it was playing Adele (even though it was Britany Spears).

"Didn't even use his turn signal"

T remarked on the reckless silver pickup that cut across in front of me.

We passed the airport and talked about feeling independent and flying alone. I mentioned my favorite airport, O'Hare International. I'm not sure that I really think it is better laid out than any other airport- I just really like the neon multi-colored lights in the tunnel connecting the two terminals.

We were nearing Penn Ave and France Ave and places where I've lived my life. I'm trying to not dwell too much on the past.

We're approaching 35. The highway that cuts up and down through Minnesota. I would argue that it is not the worst interchange, but it is one of my least favorites. I'm in the lane farthest to the right. People are merging into my lane from 35 West and people are merging further right to go onto 35 East, a couple hundred feet ahead. Traffic always gets a bit congested here. Rush hour is stop and stop. I'm thinking that it's lucky we're missing rush hour. But there's still a lot of cars. Behind me and in front of me. Too many cars merging in and out. I should have been paying more attention before approaching. Usually, I move further left before getting to this point. The merging can be scary. Today, I didn't. I'm on break, it's not rush hour, I have a friend in the car. But there's a green and white taxi. Right to my right. He needs to get in. Split seconds. Speed up? Nope. Slow down? Nope. Cars are surrounding me. I have to get out of his way, quickly. I only have feet. I look over my shoulder as a I start moving into the lane to my left. No. No. No. There is a car and they are freaking out because I'm moving in front of them. I quickly get back into my lane. I'd like to give some hindsight bias to myself. I should have just continued at speed and allowed the taxi to worry about himself. Back to reality. They say that in near-death situations, your life flashes before your eyes. Well, my possible future flashed before my eyes, not my past. A swerving car spins out in front of me. It's silver. I'm set up to smash into the side of a car as I go who knows how fast. There are cars and trucks ahead and behind us. We're at the busy interchange of 35 and 494. This could be it. I don't have time to pray or think. I can only act. I  enter another state as adrenaline rushes through me. I don't want to die, but I'm sure this is how those massive pile-ups start. There's no side of the road for me to escape to. Only the unforgiving edge of a concrete overpass above 35 W. This can't be happening. I hear and see my front end crumpling into the side of the silver car. I'll be smashed from behind as I spin out into traffic from colliding with the silver car. In the moment, I don't realize that I have braked my car and slowed to manageable speed. Impact with the silver car. In the moment, I barely realize that there is no breaking glass or airbags. I haven't even collided with the concrete barrier. I'm angled towards it, and the silver car and the green taxi are behind me. We're all in the merge lane. We are what causes traffic jams. And pile-ups. We've stopped. I hope as long as I stay in the car, I'll live. My hands clutch my head then cover my face.

"I can't believe it. No, no, noooo. I hate myself." I never really mean it when I say that I hate myself, but I find myself unfortunately used to saying this when something really bad happens.

"It's going to be ok, it's going to be ok."

T soothes me as we are both in shock.

"What am I going to do? I should call my mom."

"Hi Mom, I got in an accident."

My mom then responds with the word she says only in the case of car accidents. I never knew she said that word until the day she hit our garbage can backing out of our driveway. I assure her that T and I are fine. I ask if I should call 911. She says yes.

I call 911. I've never called 911 before. I tell her that I'm on 494 and I got in an accident. She tells us people will be there shortly. Soon, emergency response arrives: a sign to direct traffic, an ambulance, a tow truck, and a state patrol. The ambulance leaves soon, because no one is injured.

The state patrol officer asks me to tell him what happened. He's younger, and not necessarily kind. I hand him my proof of insurance and driver's license and try to explain. It all happened so fast. I know I'll probably be at fault. He leaves to fill out his report with all the other drivers.

It seems that I'm sitting in my car forever."My dad will kill me. I'll never be allowed to drive again. Insurance will go up. I can't believe this happened." I never wanted to get in a car accident. I can't believe this happened.

"Thank you God for keeping us safe."

 "Yes, thank you God."

"Are you okay to drive home? I can drive home if you need me to."

"I'm fine, thanks though."

The officer returns and says that it will probably be my fault, since the other two cars involve says it started with me clipping the silver Audi. Okay. I don't remember clipping the silver Audi, since I thought the car was behind me, but it all happened so fast.

It's time to go, and I'm on heightened alert. In almost-silence I drive home. I start thinking, and two tears fall as I near my house.

Home and T is picked up. I look at the car for the first time. It's a scratch. The bumper isn't even dented. There is black scraped across the front left, and the license plate holder is cracked. The license plate is a bit bent and scraped with black as well. Blows T and I's mind. We expected something to be at least dented.

I'm ready to shower, I let my emotions go. I turn on the shower to warm water, warmer than I usually enjoy. Nobody's home, and I cry and scream. I never used to cry like this. Not until I had reasons that pained me enough to cry like this. This is still less painful, but I cry now. "Why God?" I'm angry at myself. I acknowledge that I am fearful and apprehensive of what will come out of this. It will be my fault. I may or may not be allowed to drive this break. I'm not sure I like freeways anymore. I allow unconnected angers to be yelled, why questions that I don't understand, feelings that I don't think I should have. I have trouble trusting that God will take care of me.

But He will. I need to trust in him that can use all things for good, even car accidents. So I do. I have so much to be thankful for. No injuries in an accident that could have had deaths. I look at my face in the mirror. I'm red from tears but alive. God is so good, and I have been so blessed.

I heat up some cold coffee and mix it with some Irish cream milk. I eat a maple-nut scone, and I start to relax. It's going to be okay. I call Mom and she says I need to call our insurance agent.

Classy. I'm on hold for the insurance agent and the classical music is nice and soothing. I go through the details and ask my two questions, number two being "How much will the insurance rates go up?" In a very smooth insurance agent manner, he answers that it won't because Western National Insurance is unique. Everyone else raises rates for three years after a ticket or crash, but not Western National. What a relief.

And now I await the reaction from my father, the most concerning reaction. And I recover and feel better for writing this down.